HELLO DOWEL FANS!!

Its your Dowel newsletter – the newsletter for all of you people who even when you think you are having a bad day – you still look fabulous. People who have looks, animal magnetism and an incredibly sexy level of intelligence. People who can use their charm and a subtle little smile to get a full size adults pizza for the price of one child’s one – but only if you wanted to. People who praise the Dowel every chance they get. People like you!

This month we are full to the brim with Dowel news, its almost too much and yet – at the end of the day its still not enough. So lets get on with it! I hope this newsletter finds you all well.

SOVIET SPACE PROBE INCIDENT

This update was written prior to the expected landfall of the out of control soviet space probe Kosmos 482 and has been scheduled to be automatically emailed out after. So we have no idea where it landed and I am not going to update the newsletter - so, here is hoping we are all still here and it didn’t knock us out. Or if appropriate – this newsletter is dedicated in memorandum to the great members of the Dowel that we have lost to that horrific venus probe which fell from the sky. Those of us who remain will do our best to avenge you – although how we can do that is not immediately obvious. It was a fantastic way to go though you will go down in history. When you are returned to the earth in Dowel form we shall shower you with more Dowels.

The incident does highlight the complexities and dangers involved with space travel. Our own space projectiles are designed to burn up in the atmosphere – making them very safe. We use a series of Dowels within Dowels and carefully formulated mathematical formula so that the Dowels arrive at their expected destination in tact. For example lets say we wanted to reach Thailand from our launch facility in Kashmir – well we would need to send something up approximately the size and shape of a billy book case… and then send it up at such an angle so that the majority of the bookcase burns up when it returns to the atmosphere but not so much that the Dowels within burn away before they rain down on Bangkok…. Its all very complicated and I leave the calculations to the people who know more about maths than I do.

TALKING TO CROWS UPDATE

Background: we hypothesised that Crows use the Dowel to communicate. That by showing a crow a Dowel they know we are “on side” the Dowel is essentially a way to say “hello friend”. This is all true and proven, we have written about this before.

What we didn’t know – and this kinda seems obvious now – but if you go up to a crow, or indeed anyone I imagine – and just say “hello friend”, “hello friend”, “hello friend” and then just stand there staring at them. This can annoy them.

So, now after doing this for a period of months / years - whenever I stop in Richmond park a crow will come up to me and then just start yelling at me – and you wont have heard a crow sound like this before its amazing. I also think some of them are deliberately trying to shit on me – but they cant fly and shit at the same time and I am too quick for them (for now). So, if you are going to use your Dowel to talk to crows – I suggest you bring them a peace offering as well - like some food or something – and they will eat anything, I saw one eat an entire sachet of mustard once.

After the break!

Still to come - more Dowel news for the worlds best Dowel fans!

INTERMISSION:

Cavilha De Madeira means "Wooden Dowel" in Portugese.

Louvado seja o cavilha!

READERS QUESTION OF THE MONTH

Last month we asked should continue to index the newsletter online or not. In a slightly reduced response – 58% of respondents said yes.  

This month we are asking – would you accept Dowels made from lab grown wood? You can reply to this email or phone the usual number with your comments.

THAT'S WEIRD

On two separate occasions in the last month I have been gifted a random cucumber. Please let me know if anything similar has happened to you.

NEWSLETTER HARD COPIES

Last month we trialled the newsletter as a hardcopy in selected locations - we still await feedback on this. Any feedback at all. Obviously it can only be a good thing to have a hard copy of Dowel updates available and in the long term we need to set up a depository of all Dowel knoweldge in perpetuality. Which is one of the main drivers for the space programe. A Dowel shaped monolith on the moon, and another on a moon orbiting jupiter etc – thats the plan. We’ll leave them where ever we go so that sophisticated civilisations will be able to stumble across them.

WHATS THAT - DOWEL NEWS ON WHATS APP?

Do you click on QR codes from unkown sources – if you clicked on the above you will have found the whatsapp channel of the Dowel. Key takeaways:

• Its private (as much as anything from meta is…)
• You arent visible to other viewers or followers of the channel – they cant see your number, profile picture – or if you gave the newsletter a eggplant emoji.
• Meta probably track you, although they say they dont
• You will find a nice juicy link to the newsletter just as soon as it is released…
• You can sign up and then just completely ignore it no one minds.
• https://www.whatsapp.com/channel/0029VawAffN72WTvMBcXMc3X


NEXT MONTH

Are you seeing the Dowel in your dreams? Next month we explain how and why.
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