DOWELS - The Answer to Everything!!

THE NEWSLETTER OF THE DOWEL

February 11 2024

STRENGTH FROM WITHIN!
Praise the Dowel.

Greetings Dowel fans!

Due to the large number of new members joining up over the last couple of months (of which I have not sent any of them their membership packs yet - sorry) I thought that it would be a good idea for this months newsletter to be a general recap of where we are at today...

It absolutelly is not just a low effort attempt to get some content out in time for our arbitrary deadlines. So, heres a recap of where we are in February 2024.

The Newsletter

The Newsletter. Its been going for more than five years and of all the newletters in the world that focus on timber fixings – ours is probably the most popular. So, thank you to all that helped us achieve this.

New Members

You will get your members packs and background info etc - eventually.

Our Space Programme

Why does an organisation set up to promote a simple timber fixing (albeit the strongest joint in carpentry and the potential savior of all of humanity) require a space programme?

Well, our space programme will allow us to deliver Dowels anywhere in the world within three hours which is a remarkable improvement on what we can achieve now. It will also allow us to letter drop our newsletter to massive areas – circumventing the attempts to censor our newsletter. These are just two of the many benefits - we will explain more in future fundraising drives.

OTHER PROJECTS

The Dowel promotes research in to other areas besides the space programme - some of which are described below.

* Talking to crows - our scientists believe that Crows are trying to communicate to us through the medium of the Dowel. Attempts to communicate back continue – but its very cold outside so attempts are paused until the weather improves.

* Edible Dowels – we know that if we can make Dowels edible it will be the biggest boon for human nutrition since that guy produced amonia fertilisers. However, it seeems that to make celulose edible we are going to have to speed up miilions of years of human evolution.

* The creation of the worlds largest Dowel - this is not on hold but has been amalgamated in to our space programme – as the launch method will required Dowels larger than anyone has ever seen before – and they will be amazing.

* Dowel historical research – we have unearthed whats probably the oldest presrved Dowel in the world (In Egypt), discovered that JFK put Dowels on the moon and determined that Dowels predate plants on Earth. What else is there for us to uncover? I think the time for looking backwards is over – thats why we are looking forward (and up) to space.

After the break!

Still to come - more Dowel news!

Are you looking for your next great read?

Check out the follow up to Dorra's top rated debut story - wedding Dowels!

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Intermission:

Say it with me...

“I am as strong and resilient as the mighty Dowel. Just like this sturdy wooden rod, I can withstand life’s challenges and emerge even stronger. My inner strength is unbreakable, with faith in the Dowel I am capable of achieving whatever I set my mind to.” Praise the Dowel!

Dowel Membership

Dowel membership continues to grow. A recent survey revealled our membership is mostly young, vibrant and fabulous. (Praise the Dowel).

The following companies are on the DO NOT BUY DOWELS FROM list 1) Homebase. 2) B&Q. That is all.

No one has taken advantage of our Dowel celebrants to get married in a Dowel ceremony. Possibly because the celebrants have zero legal authority to marry people (except for in the USA where ironically – we have zero followers).

If we were to speculate further – some couples may be reluctant to be dipped in resin and set as a human Dowel before being rolled to the reception by the Dowel procession, we have also received feedback that the throwing of the Dowels is too frequent and too aggressive.

We have pondered making alterations - but there are somethings you just cant compromise on - like how commited are people to one another if they wont subject themselves to an occasional barrage of Dowels? Some people - and I might be one of them - think that by allowing the bride and groom to wear armour in the ceremony - we have already conceded too much.

… Also – we used to provide Giant milestone Dowels for these events - the guy who made those for us is no longer speaking to us – if I was to speculate again – I think he was put off by some of the more bold ideas for future projects that we shared with him… we’ll find a new supplier eventually.

Thats Weird.

Disappointingly, we once again have had no reports of weird goings on this month. Is this a sign that the world is becoming more boring, or is google just blocking all of our emails? Send us any werid things you see or overhear - the threshold for inclusion has been lowered once again.

Why do we do this?

Becaase Dowel. Thats why. Praise the Dowel!

NEXT MONTH

Well, wasnt that an amazing newsletter? I think everyone should now be up to speed with what we are all about. Next month we will be back with a regular newsletter with all the recent Dowel news and in our feature article we ask - “Can you really be friends or family with people who don’t believe in the Dowel?”

So, until then Do well and praise the Dowel - P.

It's the newsletter of the Dowel

www.praisethedowel.com

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DISCLAIMER: This newsletter is provided as a service to the community - the information within is provided in good faith and no assurance is given as to the accuracy of information conatined within.